Moving Your Elderly Parents to Assisted Living?

There should be a manual for this

Jul 06, 2024

black asphalt road in the middle of brown field under blue sky during daytime — Photo by David Vives on Unsplash

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open 'til your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end, yeah-by Semisonic

I have a few questions if you are in the 60-plus age group. Are your parents still alive? Are they self-sufficient, or do they need care? Do they still live in the family home, or have they moved to a smaller place, assisted living facility, or nursing home? Or are you in the process of helping them make this decision? And lastly, do you have any idea how to help them through this transition? There should be a training manual.

Today's post focuses on the concept of helping elderly parents downsize and move because that is the situation I faced with my Mom and Dad. But what happens to older people who can't afford care? Or are unable or unwilling to move? If you are in that situation, please share your story. The Joint Center For Housing Studies reports:

"As the baby boomers cross into their 80s over the next 20 years, the numbers of single-person households among the oldest age group will grow dramatically, from 4.7 million households in 2018 to an estimated 10.1 million in 2038."

Yikes! If you are fit and healthy, fantastic. But what happens if you need care and can't afford it? What impact does that have on their children?

I had a long phone chat with a lifelong friend the other day. We were comparing notes about our parents' living situation. My friend's mom lives in a senior apartment in a different state from her. Her brother, who lives near her mom, is moving soon and will reside out of state. Her mom is unhappy that her children will be far away but doesn't want to move near either of them. She wants to stay in her apartment because all of her friends are nearby. However, it is only a matter of time before she will be unable to continue living independently and will need care. My friend visits her often but still feels guilty whenever she has to leave. I know the feeling! We discussed that everyone we knew in our age group was going through the same thing. That is if we were lucky enough for our parents to be still alive.

My parents lived in their home until my Dad was 93 and my Mom was 89. Two years ago this coming September, we moved them into an assisted living facility. They both reluctantly realized it was time to leave their home of 60 years, a decision filled with emotional challenges and uncertainties.

Mom and Dad were wise in purchasing a long-term care insurance policy (LTC) over forty years ago. The common thinking then was that the woman would outlive the man, so my Mom's policy included both in-home and facility care, and once she met the requirements, the care would last the rest of her life. My Dad's policy only covered in-facility care and for only five years.

My Mom required a live-in caregiver for four years before the move. Everything was great because my Dad could care for himself during that time. Sadly, two months before the move, my Dad suffered from a heart condition along with a fall in the backyard. This was the third fall in a couple of months. My sisters and I realized he now needed care, too, and because of his LTC policy, another live-in caregiver was not an option. So, we needed to proceed with a sense of urgency.

My youngest sister agreed to have the dreaded conversation first, and my other sister and I prepared to do damage control. We weren't sure how they would react. Surprisingly, my Mom was quickly on board. My Dad, however, was not. I told you about him in "Another Father's Day." He is a proud, stubborn man who has always felt he could take care of himself, that HIS job was to care for his family. He had the mistaken impression that he was still the primary caregiver for my Mom and didn't need any help. ( I don't know what he thought the live-in did!) It was a rough time...he was not happy with my sister and blamed her for suggesting moving. It still hurts my heart to remember the sadness in his voice when I told him I fully supported the move. He said, "Oh no. Not you, too?" He very reluctantly agreed. His short-term memory can be spotty at times, and even though we discussed the move six weeks in advance and talked about it all the time, the weekend of the move came as a surprise to him. The complexity of the situation was overwhelming.

My Mom loved the new place. She was such a social butterfly and loved all of the activities the facility provided. She was always at bingo, playing poker, doing a craft project, attending a musical event, or taking Spanish classes. She did something all day long. Sadly, she passed away after only eight months of living there.

Dad is another story. He is very hard of hearing and has poor vision, so he doesn't participate in any activities. He isn't lonely, per se, because family members visit all the time, but he is existing vs. living, and that makes me sad. He often tells me, "This isn't how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to go first, and it comforted me that your Mom was so happy here. I could leave knowing she wouldn't be lonely, that she would still love her life." What do you say to that?

As we help our parents transition through downsizing and moving, the hardest part is understanding how and what they are feeling and realizing that they know this move is probably the last one they will make. I try to put myself in my Dad's shoes. Is it giving up or giving in? How can elders feel optimistic when looking forward vs. continuously looking backward and reliving memories? Is it possible to prepare ourselves now, while we are in middle age or just past...before a move like that is necessary...to figure out what will make us happy and fulfilled when we can no longer take care of ourselves on our own?

I have had this conversation with so many people. We could use some help and advice regarding the best way to help our parents transition to a move such as this. And I don't mean just the physical move. I mean the emotional aspects of the change in roles adult children face. When we need to begin parenting our parents while still understanding that they are, and will always be, the parents. I know that sounds confusing, but it is true. There is a respect factor that makes it different from parenting our children.

I have been listening to an interview with Anne Lamott, who was talking about this topic. She told the story of her mom, who had Alzheimer's and diabetes and lived in an independent housing situation. Her mom used to sneak out and steal cookies and bread from a nearby grocery store. (The cashiers felt sorry for her and paid for the treats). Anne and her brothers were distraught and didn't know how to handle the situation. They met with a nurse and kept telling her how untrained they were in their ability to help their mom and how they didn't know what to do. The wise nurse calmly responded, "How could you know?"

How could you know? is the theme of this post. There are many articles and checklists regarding the operational aspects of helping your parents move. A good one is from Redfin's "Decluttering and Downsizing: A Guide for Seniors and Their Loved Ones," which is a practical guide. But I would like tips, support, and guidance for dealing with the emotional aspects of loving, living, and caring for aging parents before, during, and after a move, or helping them age in place if that is your situation.

One of the best ways to cope is to have a safe place to share our thoughts and ideas. Thank God I have my two sisters; we operate as a team about my Dad's care. I feel for those of you who are an only child or have siblings unable or unwilling to help. (Yes, I have heard many stories about fractured families, which hurt my heart). But my sisters and I are like Anne Lamott and her brothers; we don't know but are trying our best. We love our Dad and want to do whatever it takes to make this last phase of his life as good as it can be.

Everyone I talk to feels like they are going through this alone. We are not alone! Let's keep this conversation going. Please tell us your story, your suggestions, your situation. Or ask your questions. Maybe we can all learn from each other. What do you think?

Leaving Middle Age

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